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cainle bean fairy
Crafties and pups under cut

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boxes boxes boxes... tired of boxes

Gris I was a ghost
I have spent most of the last 3 days sorting boxes.  I have 9 2x2x2 boxes going to the thrift already.  This is added to the 2 HUGE desks, microwave, and other stuff from the shed.

I found at least 5 boxes of fabric (going to donate to a local SCA group), wax and soap for making things, floss for cross stitch (tons of it), Sewing stuff, and most of the decorations I was missing.

I still have a TON to go through of harvest/fall/ halloween decor, but that will have to wait till after Drew moves the thrift boxes out of the room.

Found 3 more boxes of Army stuff that Matthew has to go through.  Most of it will probably be shredded.  I need to get a shredder for this place.

I think I have enough fabric to make the dogs vests/coats.  I cannot find ones to fit them.  So I want to make indivual ones for them.  I MIGHT be able to cut down some I already have, but not sure atm.

Hoping to get the shelves for the storage shed/craft room in the next day or two.  The floor out there is not drying.  Its been over 2 weeks and still tacky.

Now I am headed to try out the whrilpool tub for the first time since moving in the house.
cainle bean fairy
Not sure how many of you know, my adopted dad died of complications due to advanced Parkinson's disease in 1999.  Most my my childhood was spent watching this brilliant man descend further and further into the ravages of the disease.

Background first:

I was adopted by M and C in September.  Although white children are supposed to go the fastest, the doc had cut me during the c section and I had stitches on my face.  So I was in an orphanage for longer than they expected (6 weeks).

Over the years, mom (c) has told me stories of their life together.  This is what I have pieced together over the years.

M did not seem to want children.  Although C did, from what she told me they rarely performed the activities that would lead to pregnancy.  She knows the exact date that their biological daughter was concieved, the encounters were that rare.

Having one child in the house was work, but having 2 under an age difference, was quite a bit for C.  Both M and C were educators and working full time.  M became more and more demanding of C's time, to the point of being jealous when taking care of us kids took her attention away from him.

I asked C about something I thought I remembered from when I was maybe 2 or 3.  I remember standing in my bed watching M watching C take care of sister when suddenly she stopped and went to him.  C later told me he had messed himself so she had to take care of him.  This was not the only case of this happening. Just after this is when he went to live with his parents and they got divorced soon after.

About this time M.who would have been around 33,  started seeing a doctor in his home town.  M had researched Parkinson's extensively and started showing more and more signs.  According to tests, M did not present as having Parkinson's, but this doctor started him on dopamine anyway.  Years later this doctor was banned from practicing due to dispensing meds unethically.  Due to the fact he was taking Dopamine, eventually his body stopped producing the emzyme (at least that is what the specialists said).  He was maybe 45 when we were told this.  

Early years, M would walk in the yard with us, taught me to play chess (in later years his dad and I would play), discussed books and authors.  There was no gradual progression of symptoms.   He was not trembling, shuffling, no slowness, no skin changes, no thought changes, etc.  That all started about 10 years later.  And NOTHING helped.  Nothing. Once the symptoms started, it was a rapid decline to a certain point.   I never saw the trembling.  I saw shaking.  Severe tremors.  Never trembling.  Saw the shuffling steps.

I also never saw a fight.  From him.  No passion, no fire, no fight.  And I hated him for that.  Watched my grandad fight a broken back, watched many of my family fight cancer, alzheimer's disease. injuries, congential disorders and diseases.  M just gave up.  He never asked for options, participaed in experiments (until just before he died), never raged against the disease, nothing.

Over the course of several years I watched a brilliant man turn into a shell.  He was not a father, or a dad, to me.  Only a few times was he ever interested in my life, and that was usually because C had told him to show interest.  He and his parents were interested in the sister, but always told and showed me that I was not their family.  I did not see him from 1989 till not long before he died.  And then it was one visit.

To this day, I cannot watch or deal with someone who has Parkinson's.  I could not watch Rainman and his effects, I cannot watch Michael J Fox anymore.

Aug. 12th, 2014

cainle bean fairy
With all the conversation on Robin Williams, I keep seeing people post "He found a permanent solution to a temporary problem".  Its NOT a TEMPORARY problem for those of us who live with it.  For many depression is not temporary, it does not pass within a few days, weeks, months or years.  Its a lifelong struggle.  How to explain to these people how many times we have contemplated suicide.  Looking for that one thing that will allow us to go on.  Looking for help, answers, hope.  Its a struggle on a hourly, daily, weekly basis.

I am one of those for whom medication does not work.  I have tried most everything out there at one time or another, and it did not work for me.  Usually not only did it not work but I had major side effects too.   There is no magic pill to allow me to handle daily life.  To meet me, most think I have things under control.  I am happy, well liked (well it seems at least), and in a good place.  Few know that I have fought and still do fight depression.  I am actually diagnosed manic depressive, but that is neither here nor there.

I do not plan to detail my struggle, I am not a public person.  Suffice to say I have contemplated suicide more than once.  Many many many times I have not gone through with it because I have my dogs who depend on me.  If it was not for them, I doubt I would still be here.

There are so many issues people deal with on a daily basis.  I cannot understand trite responses to any of them.

Update

cainle bean fairy
I have not been very good about keeping up with journaling.

I have been doing a lot of work around the farm and garden, and getting extra hours at work.

008
005

Lots of blueberries and the squash is taking off.

Several people have approached us about growing more blueberries.

I have over 5 gallons in the freezer from this year.  Have over 10 gallons of squash cut up and frozen ready to go for meals.

And I am tired.

May. 6th, 2014

cainle bean fairy
I have been letting the cooking slide lately.  When M went to the doc Sunday, his weight had upped by a bit.  This could have contributed to his back going out.  So we are making a plan to eat better (lots more work for me =p) and move more =p.
The plan for today is to get several days worth of meals prepackaged and ready to be cooked or warmed.  Labeled with name, cooking directions, and all, so that there will be less fast food and bad stuff.
We do not have a lot of sweets or bad stuff around.  And a lot of this might be leftover from the holidays.  But we have been letting things slide instead of keeping up.

When I make the high protein stuff for me (that I HAVE to eat) the guys eat it first.

SO now things will be labeled for ME and them.  And they better keep their danged hands off my stuff.

I am holding steady at around 225 - 230 ( I would love to be under 200 but am not doing enough work do get there) and Matthew is up to 250.  He should be no more than 220.  I can keep my danged dogs healthy and fit, so I can surely keep us there.

Apr. 28th, 2014

cainle bean fairy
Robert's Obit. Link

We are planning a Celebration of Life for his birthday June 26.

His mother is being a pain.  No input no help no nothing.  But ya better believe I will hear about it if she does not like it.  *Le sigh*

Tired

cainle bean fairy
I am tired.  No energy, no drive, no nothing.  Eating ok.  Drinking enough fluids.  Taking my vitamins.  But just feel exhausted.  Beautiful weather, I should be out in the garden.  But I cannot find the energy to do squat.  I have 5 batches of cookies, 2 of brownies, and 1 of cupcakes I need to do today.  I have the garden to work.  I have Jack's training to work on.  I have cross stitch to work on.  And all I want to do is go back to bed.  I sleep well too.  Probably stress.  But dang I am tired of being tired.

Break? Nope just bent a bit

cainle bean fairy
Robert is not doing well, considering the timeline so far, we are probably looking at months.  Matthew is taking as much time as possible going to Atlanta to see him (R is his kid after all no matter how he has acted).

Mom's 73rd birthday was yesterday and her best friend died after a 13 year long battle with cancer.

Today we got word that Dad has prostate cancer.

I have had to cancel 4 doc visits for me due to scheduling issues.

One dog needs knee replacement surgery.

Bilbo is doing ok with his epilepsy, but being a total chit otherwise.  Going to have to try calming meds for him.

Tillie is slowing down a lot (she is 13 1/2).

Just keep trucking a long.

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